Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this