Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.