Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

shut up and take my money

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories