Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

Kids, do not try this at home!

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

always be there

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.