Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.