Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Happy Thanksgiving

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

My life coach traded me.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3