Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

😂

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike