[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.