Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

(Electricians.)

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.