Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Guantanamo Bae

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]