Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?