[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser