Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

Important

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

A decision was made here.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

my dog when i have a friend over

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.