Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…