Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

💻🤡

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons