[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.