[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
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The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
These work great until they don’t.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Stop it! 😂
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what