Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

👽

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

j o i m p

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.