Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”