[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
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I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
not seeing the problem
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
