Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.