Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

Are we there yet?…

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*