Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

As the Lord intended

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.