Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Our lord and savoury.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

me and who

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1562653191573049344/pu/vid/480x480/UOGBUSVG2hFazE7I.mp4?tag=12

Nigella has gone too far this time.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.