Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
You Might Also Like
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem