Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.