Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
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her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If only.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
reduce, reuse, recycle
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
lmao
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”