Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

tfw you realize …

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.