Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Well, that didn’t work.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario