Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
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[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
never ask a starfish for directions
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news