Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
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My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
handsome & gretel
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
The pasta is now
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls