Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
You Might Also Like
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Tastes like chicken.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.