Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

[loses house key, starts a new life]

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.