Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.