Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
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TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
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“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*