Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

congratulations to them

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.