Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Another day, another…goddammit