Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”