Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
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Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.