Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Good morning, Twitter 😊

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.