Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ㅤ

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?