Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?