Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
You Might Also Like
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it