Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.