Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

bad news gang

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater