Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*