Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
If you know, you know 😂🚔
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]