Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

Yes, this is exactly right

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Ron is short for Aaronald