Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
got so much cardio in today
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
