Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.