Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
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We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
had to share :’)
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
A man of commitment.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
this has done me in for some reason
a badder mouse
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?