Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
😜
tis the season
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Can. I. Help. You.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.