Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bold strategy

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

when you don’t want to be too vague

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”