Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

no such thing as a dumb question

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you