Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some things should go without saying

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.