Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
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My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning