Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!