Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
couldn’t resist
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie: