Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

This is so me 😂😂

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.