Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Happy Febuary everyone!

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”