Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
You Might Also Like
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.