Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

☠️☠️☠️

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going