Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!