Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!