[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell