spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I WON A HAM TODAY
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question