spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”