Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
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I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.