Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
You Might Also Like
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
oh shit