Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
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me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan