Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…