Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

Split the bill

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.