Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i