Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.