Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

As per my previous tablet…

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Never mess with a drunken pig.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Fights fire with marshmallows

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.