spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I know this now 😂
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
