Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

(Musicians.)

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.