Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

My guardian angel deserves a raise

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.