Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

barbara was highly relatable

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds