*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.