Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

WHY?!

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.